Fantasy Week One Expectations

Our week one matchups are:

Devon vs Me

Pratik vs Chris

Ryan vs Matt(Matchup to watch)

Malcolm vs Mike

Connor Vs Dave

Analysis

Essentially, Devon is doomed. I have a 5:4 advantage, and even the Manning brother comparison is probably flawed. Dallas just lost Scandrick, which makes their secondary even more inept than usual. Plus how many points can Bryant even put up as a kicker? So I'm reordering our odds to 6:2.

Pratik if you dont win this, I'll be genuinely upset. Also we will actually both be pulling for the Giants to win in blowout fashion for more than one reason. I think asking for Eli to go 300/3 with ODBJR getting 150/2 isnt unreasonable. 

Literally a matchup of the retards. Just miserable to even look at. Its disgusting, take it away.

Now This is interesting. Looks like Malcolm is on the fast track to getting wrecked worse than that girl the entire 49ers defense apparently abused. I agree with all these rankings except maybe TJ Yeldon vs Carolina. Ameer Abdulah has a way better chance of scoring against my chargers admitably terrible run defense. Also I'd reverse that flex battle since Gurley might not play and Miamis secondary is embarrassing. 

Nothing to say about this except L-O-L. Dave you are going to get DESTROYED. Like SCORCHED EARTH. 

My predictions:

I beat DJ

Pratik Beats Chris

Matt Beats Ryan

Mike beats Malcolm

and Connor embarrasses Dave

I'm Back (sort of)

For those of you who do not know (and actually care) I have moved down to florida to take on a math teaching job as well as an assistant coaching position for football. The kicker is that I have never played football and the freshmen know more about it than I do. But hey, I'm getting paid a cool grand so, I'm good with it.
This will be my first year teaching and I got two low level math classes, and surprisingly I'm actually really excited.
So, on to sports. uh, ya, hockey isn't on for a while so I'm just going to say that Dave Sucks, and I will be back some other time with an input on sports.

I have hit ROCK bottom

Look at this. Look at this fat, gross, miserable bastard.

I don't think I need to say much more than that. But change IS a coming people.

Recasting Star Wars I-III

Like most guys our age, I am a huge Star Wars fan. Also like most guys our age, I was HUGELY disappointed with the prequels. Terrible acting, bad screenwriting, awful chemistry and much more ruined these three movies from start to finish.

So today, we are going do individual recastings of these movies.

Here's the rules:

1. We will be recasting it as if we were starting production now, not 1999(When the Phantom Menace was released)

2. We can recast all of the following roles:
A. Anakin Skywalker(Young)
B. Anakin Skywalker (Older)
C. Obi Wan
D. Padme
E. Palpatine
F. Mace Windu
G. Qui Gon Jin
H. Count Dooku

3. You don't have to recast all of them.

4. Jar Jar Binks cannot be recast because he will not be present in any of our recastings because he is a terrible stupid idea for a character.


Jack

Anakin (Younger): Ty Simpkins


This is the kid from Jurassic world. Not the greatest, but definitely better than that doofy kid that just recently got arrested again.

Honerable mentions: None, idk if I know any other child actors at all.

Anakin(Older): Henry Cavill

Superman in Man of Steel. He might be a little too bulky for teen Anakin, but they could shape him for the part. The guy has actual emotional levels, which, you know, are kind of important in acting. Man of Steel was a thrill and his genuine emotions really brought the whole thing together.

Honerable Mentions: Daniel Radcliffe, Liam Helmsworth

Obi Wan: Michael Fassbender


Honestly, I would have re chosen Ewan McGreggor if he wasnt already like 45. He played his role well, but his chemistry with Christiansen just sucked. I like Fassbender here because he is more or less a clone of McGreggor with slightly better skills.

Honerable mentions: Christian Bale, Jake JiggleBalls

Padme: Zoe Saldana

BOOM curveball. That's right, Padme is black. Honestly, Natalie Portman is a great actress that was put in a shitty movie. I feel bad, but Cavil and Padme would be had some great chemistry. 

Honerable mentions: Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, 

Palpatine: Daniel Day Lewis

This guy is an absolutely astounding actor. I would completely buy him as the innocent Chancellor, and also as the evil emperor.  

Honerable mentions: Willem Dafoe, Malcolm McDowell, Michael Shannon

Qui-gon Jin: Jeremy Irons

I love Liam Neeson, but I didn't buy him so much in he mentor role. Irons has played that exact role many times, and between his phenomenal acting skill and ridiculously awesome voice, he would be a great Jedi master. 

Honorable Mentions: Ralph Fiennes, Liev Schriber, Viggo Mortensen

Count Dooku: Javiar Bardem 

RIP Chistopher Lee, who played Dooku masterfully. This is kind of a curveball too but if you see his performance in Skyfall, you would understand where I'm coming from. He plays the sleek, manipulative, evil mastermind instead of the unhinged, aloof, killer  that he was in no country for old men. The issue here is that Dooku is supposed to be old enough to be Qui-Gons master, and Bardem is probably 10 years younger than Irons. If they were unable to make up that age appearance with special effects/makeup ect, I'd switch my selection to Patrick Stewart. Also accomplished at giving off a polished "I'm smarter than you in every facet" vibe, Stewart would also be able to keep up with Physical demands of the role. 

Honerable mentions: Gary Oldman, Alan Rickman, Ralph Fiennes.

Mace Windu: Idris Elba or Hugo Weaving 

Samuel L Jackson is a great actor, and also a total flop in his role as Windu. Jedi are supposed to be the most patient, wise, peaceful sorts in the galaxy. Jackson, as is his nature, radiated hostility, impatience, and contempt. If they want to have the sort of anti-Anakin antagonist within the council, I think Weaving is good for that role. He gives off the feeling of wisdom and serenity, while at the same time making viewers feel intimidated and anxious. Ever see him as Elrond in Lord of the Rings or Agent Smith in the Matrix? Elba also gives off the wisdom and serenity, but they would have to make his role much less antagonistic. 

Honorable mentions: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Alan Rickman, Sigourney Weaver, Jason Isaccs.

Deandre Jordan: Multimillionare, Clipper, and scum of the Earth

This is just an unreal situation. Jordan verbally agreed to his contact with the Mavs(since nothing can be signed until the clock struck 12 tonight), shook Mark Cubans hand, then just changed his mind. All just so he could play with a different fledgling team from the Western Conference. What the FUCK are you thinking dude?

Before anyone says anything, I understand he is getting more money with the Clippers. I understand the Clippers(with him) are a better overall team than the Mavericks with him. And I understand that the Mavericks essentially lack a point guard.

But the Clippers are going nowhere just as fast as the Mavericks. Does anyone honestly thing either team is going to be able to contend against the Spurs or Warriors in the playoffs? No. And which team, if any, would have a better chance at finding a strategy to get to the finals?

Look at Doc Rivers coaching record(particularly in Boston). With his big 3 of Garnett, Pierce, and Allen(Plus pre injury All Star Rajon Rondo), he found consistent playoff success, but only won the finals once in his first year. After that, he lost Magic, Lakers, and the Heat x2. This guy, with 3 All Pro players who were in their prime, Only managed to figure out the east and get into the finals twice. Eric Spolstra did it 4 years in a row. not to mention all of the clippers money is wrapped up in GARBAGE players like Jamal Crawford, JJ Reddick, LANCE STEPHENSON, and now the infamous Javelle McGee.

The Mavericks managed to beat 27 year old Lebron and Co. with an aging Dirk, Chandler, and Jason Kidd. Thats what Rick Carlisle is capable of. He took them to the 3 seed in the West and beat Portland in round one(No easy feat, that roster included Aldridge, Batum, Brandon Roy, Wes Matthews, young Gerald Wallace, and more), Swept the defending champ Lakers in round 2, then wrecked OKC in the WCF's. He constantly keeps the Mavericks in playoff contention, regardless of the fact that NOBODY seems to sign with them. So imagine what the man can do with a GOOD player like Deandre? Not to mention, the current roster consists of the following. Dirk[On a HUUUUUGE discount], Chandler Parsons, Wes Matthews, and Harris for less than MLE money. Thats basically it. The rest is literally all cap space. So Maybe they arent a lock for the finals this year, but they have ungodly ammounts of money to spend in next years free agency.

So who do you think has a better chance of leading you to a ring? The guy who could barely figure out the east thats now coaching in the west? Or the guy who was bred in the West, and kept a minandering roster in finals contention for the better part of a decade?

On a side note, lets look at Jordans personal life. Born in Houston, went to A&M, then got drafted. Why the fuck would he shun one of his home states teams to go back to the Clippers and drill sarge Paul? Do he just hate Texas on a whole like the rest of us and not care if he ever has to go back?

Also, who is ever going to take Jordan seriously during negotiations in the future? His game relies 90% on athleticism, and this contract with the clippers will run until hes 30. So imagine free agency 4 years from now. Who is going to trust an aging center with any money at all, especially when he clearly has no regard for honesty.

This whole situation just blows my mind. I really wish Jordan would make a players tribune article about it, but we all know he probably cant read.

P.S. Mark Cuban is definitly going to be arrested in the next few days. I wouldn't be surprised if he takes out a hit on Jordan, Balmer, Doc, and Silver.

Javelle McGee to the Clippers

(Sun Times)

"JaVale McGee, the journeyman NBA big man with tantalizing athleticism, posted the above photo to his Instagram page on Monday.

The caption read:

Don’t believe in coincidence! EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS SUPPOSED TO!-PIERRE"

Oh this is great. The human blooper real is going to replace DeAndre Jordan in Lob City. Couldnt have scripted it better myself.

I cant wait to see how drill sergent Paul reacts to seeing some of the shit ol' Pierre pulls. Including but not limited to:

Javale Mcgee Bloopers Highlights HD by elitelyrics

What the FUCK is this JJ Watt/ Zach Mettenberger feud?!

(NBC Sports)

"Titans quarterback Zach Mettenberger fanned the long dormant flames that sparked when his pregame selfie before facing the Texans earned a rebuke from Texans defensive end J.J. Watt.

Watt mimed taking a selfie after sacking Mettenberger and than slammed Mettenberger’s photo as a “high school” move after the Week Eight Houston victory. Mettenberger waited a long time before issuing a response and ripped Watt and the rest of the Texans for ordering team letterman jackets to wear on a 2012 road trip to New England.

Mettenberger opined that Watt and his teammates looked “high schoolish” in the jackets in an interview that revisited the incident eight months later. Watt appears to have taken much less time to craft a response of his own.

“A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of a sheep. Time to attack the day,” Watt wrote on Twitter Wednesday morning."

First of all, I dont understand why JJ Watt turned this into a thing. You see a 20 year old 3rd string scrub QB take a selfie before a game, so you make a point to go after him with the sack dance? Then you talk shit about him post game? If you dont care about the opinions of sheep, why the fuck do you care so much about them taking selfies?

Second, why did Mettenberger take so long to reply? Did he spend whatever garbage contract money he had on a private detective to find dirt on Watt? It wouldn't surprise me at all, Mettenberger seems like one of those guys that has a rough time using a freaking search engine. Or maybe it took this long because he's so irrelevant. Who in the press is trying to interview Zach freaking Mettenberger.  

Third of all, why even reply to that comeback Watt. You went after him publicly, and when he gives you a garbage comeback, you subtweet him? Thats real fuckin lame man. JJ could get 50 million views by making a video doing literally anything. Do a high jump, 50 mil. Shake hands with an AIDs kid, 50 mil. Box squat a Corgi, 50 mil. But you cant go public for your reply?

Side note, I'm getting suuuuuper tired of JJ's Schtick. Barstool put it best after this stupid Zac Brown Band bullshit.

"HOLY SHIT! That was so close. That crazy guy who jumped on stage could have killed someone! I can’t believe Zac Brown Band stayed so calm, guess they knew JJ Watt was at the show and would come from the wings to perfectly tackle the guy. Phew, what a save that was, almost had a big time crisis.

Quick quetsion, is JJ Watt running his own PR at this point because this shit is BRUTAL. Yes I’m sure all the SC anchors will play this as the number 1 play on the Top Ten tonight and he’ll get his desired outcome, to make a “viral” video showing how funny and cool he is but come on, no one with a brain likes this shit right? I’m not the only one, I can’t be. Just get out of my face JJ, enough already, we get it, you’re the best most likeable most awesome guy in the world. Oh and you tackle guys at Zac Brown Band concerts while wearing a Cowboy hat, such a common folk hero! Be real once for us, whoever is telling you this stuff is totally sweet is wrong, it’s nauseating to any real normal person out there that uses more than 10% of their brain"