I have hit ROCK bottom

Look at this. Look at this fat, gross, miserable bastard.

I don't think I need to say much more than that. But change IS a coming people.

Recasting Star Wars I-III

Like most guys our age, I am a huge Star Wars fan. Also like most guys our age, I was HUGELY disappointed with the prequels. Terrible acting, bad screenwriting, awful chemistry and much more ruined these three movies from start to finish.

So today, we are going do individual recastings of these movies.

Here's the rules:

1. We will be recasting it as if we were starting production now, not 1999(When the Phantom Menace was released)

2. We can recast all of the following roles:
A. Anakin Skywalker(Young)
B. Anakin Skywalker (Older)
C. Obi Wan
D. Padme
E. Palpatine
F. Mace Windu
G. Qui Gon Jin
H. Count Dooku

3. You don't have to recast all of them.

4. Jar Jar Binks cannot be recast because he will not be present in any of our recastings because he is a terrible stupid idea for a character.


Jack

Anakin (Younger): Ty Simpkins


This is the kid from Jurassic world. Not the greatest, but definitely better than that doofy kid that just recently got arrested again.

Honerable mentions: None, idk if I know any other child actors at all.

Anakin(Older): Henry Cavill

Superman in Man of Steel. He might be a little too bulky for teen Anakin, but they could shape him for the part. The guy has actual emotional levels, which, you know, are kind of important in acting. Man of Steel was a thrill and his genuine emotions really brought the whole thing together.

Honerable Mentions: Daniel Radcliffe, Liam Helmsworth

Obi Wan: Michael Fassbender


Honestly, I would have re chosen Ewan McGreggor if he wasnt already like 45. He played his role well, but his chemistry with Christiansen just sucked. I like Fassbender here because he is more or less a clone of McGreggor with slightly better skills.

Honerable mentions: Christian Bale, Jake JiggleBalls

Padme: Zoe Saldana

BOOM curveball. That's right, Padme is black. Honestly, Natalie Portman is a great actress that was put in a shitty movie. I feel bad, but Cavil and Padme would be had some great chemistry. 

Honerable mentions: Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, 

Palpatine: Daniel Day Lewis

This guy is an absolutely astounding actor. I would completely buy him as the innocent Chancellor, and also as the evil emperor.  

Honerable mentions: Willem Dafoe, Malcolm McDowell, Michael Shannon

Qui-gon Jin: Jeremy Irons

I love Liam Neeson, but I didn't buy him so much in he mentor role. Irons has played that exact role many times, and between his phenomenal acting skill and ridiculously awesome voice, he would be a great Jedi master. 

Honorable Mentions: Ralph Fiennes, Liev Schriber, Viggo Mortensen

Count Dooku: Javiar Bardem 

RIP Chistopher Lee, who played Dooku masterfully. This is kind of a curveball too but if you see his performance in Skyfall, you would understand where I'm coming from. He plays the sleek, manipulative, evil mastermind instead of the unhinged, aloof, killer  that he was in no country for old men. The issue here is that Dooku is supposed to be old enough to be Qui-Gons master, and Bardem is probably 10 years younger than Irons. If they were unable to make up that age appearance with special effects/makeup ect, I'd switch my selection to Patrick Stewart. Also accomplished at giving off a polished "I'm smarter than you in every facet" vibe, Stewart would also be able to keep up with Physical demands of the role. 

Honerable mentions: Gary Oldman, Alan Rickman, Ralph Fiennes.

Mace Windu: Idris Elba or Hugo Weaving 

Samuel L Jackson is a great actor, and also a total flop in his role as Windu. Jedi are supposed to be the most patient, wise, peaceful sorts in the galaxy. Jackson, as is his nature, radiated hostility, impatience, and contempt. If they want to have the sort of anti-Anakin antagonist within the council, I think Weaving is good for that role. He gives off the feeling of wisdom and serenity, while at the same time making viewers feel intimidated and anxious. Ever see him as Elrond in Lord of the Rings or Agent Smith in the Matrix? Elba also gives off the wisdom and serenity, but they would have to make his role much less antagonistic. 

Honorable mentions: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Alan Rickman, Sigourney Weaver, Jason Isaccs.

Deandre Jordan: Multimillionare, Clipper, and scum of the Earth

This is just an unreal situation. Jordan verbally agreed to his contact with the Mavs(since nothing can be signed until the clock struck 12 tonight), shook Mark Cubans hand, then just changed his mind. All just so he could play with a different fledgling team from the Western Conference. What the FUCK are you thinking dude?

Before anyone says anything, I understand he is getting more money with the Clippers. I understand the Clippers(with him) are a better overall team than the Mavericks with him. And I understand that the Mavericks essentially lack a point guard.

But the Clippers are going nowhere just as fast as the Mavericks. Does anyone honestly thing either team is going to be able to contend against the Spurs or Warriors in the playoffs? No. And which team, if any, would have a better chance at finding a strategy to get to the finals?

Look at Doc Rivers coaching record(particularly in Boston). With his big 3 of Garnett, Pierce, and Allen(Plus pre injury All Star Rajon Rondo), he found consistent playoff success, but only won the finals once in his first year. After that, he lost Magic, Lakers, and the Heat x2. This guy, with 3 All Pro players who were in their prime, Only managed to figure out the east and get into the finals twice. Eric Spolstra did it 4 years in a row. not to mention all of the clippers money is wrapped up in GARBAGE players like Jamal Crawford, JJ Reddick, LANCE STEPHENSON, and now the infamous Javelle McGee.

The Mavericks managed to beat 27 year old Lebron and Co. with an aging Dirk, Chandler, and Jason Kidd. Thats what Rick Carlisle is capable of. He took them to the 3 seed in the West and beat Portland in round one(No easy feat, that roster included Aldridge, Batum, Brandon Roy, Wes Matthews, young Gerald Wallace, and more), Swept the defending champ Lakers in round 2, then wrecked OKC in the WCF's. He constantly keeps the Mavericks in playoff contention, regardless of the fact that NOBODY seems to sign with them. So imagine what the man can do with a GOOD player like Deandre? Not to mention, the current roster consists of the following. Dirk[On a HUUUUUGE discount], Chandler Parsons, Wes Matthews, and Harris for less than MLE money. Thats basically it. The rest is literally all cap space. So Maybe they arent a lock for the finals this year, but they have ungodly ammounts of money to spend in next years free agency.

So who do you think has a better chance of leading you to a ring? The guy who could barely figure out the east thats now coaching in the west? Or the guy who was bred in the West, and kept a minandering roster in finals contention for the better part of a decade?

On a side note, lets look at Jordans personal life. Born in Houston, went to A&M, then got drafted. Why the fuck would he shun one of his home states teams to go back to the Clippers and drill sarge Paul? Do he just hate Texas on a whole like the rest of us and not care if he ever has to go back?

Also, who is ever going to take Jordan seriously during negotiations in the future? His game relies 90% on athleticism, and this contract with the clippers will run until hes 30. So imagine free agency 4 years from now. Who is going to trust an aging center with any money at all, especially when he clearly has no regard for honesty.

This whole situation just blows my mind. I really wish Jordan would make a players tribune article about it, but we all know he probably cant read.

P.S. Mark Cuban is definitly going to be arrested in the next few days. I wouldn't be surprised if he takes out a hit on Jordan, Balmer, Doc, and Silver.

Javelle McGee to the Clippers

(Sun Times)

"JaVale McGee, the journeyman NBA big man with tantalizing athleticism, posted the above photo to his Instagram page on Monday.

The caption read:

Don’t believe in coincidence! EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS SUPPOSED TO!-PIERRE"

Oh this is great. The human blooper real is going to replace DeAndre Jordan in Lob City. Couldnt have scripted it better myself.

I cant wait to see how drill sergent Paul reacts to seeing some of the shit ol' Pierre pulls. Including but not limited to:

Javale Mcgee Bloopers Highlights HD by elitelyrics

What the FUCK is this JJ Watt/ Zach Mettenberger feud?!

(NBC Sports)

"Titans quarterback Zach Mettenberger fanned the long dormant flames that sparked when his pregame selfie before facing the Texans earned a rebuke from Texans defensive end J.J. Watt.

Watt mimed taking a selfie after sacking Mettenberger and than slammed Mettenberger’s photo as a “high school” move after the Week Eight Houston victory. Mettenberger waited a long time before issuing a response and ripped Watt and the rest of the Texans for ordering team letterman jackets to wear on a 2012 road trip to New England.

Mettenberger opined that Watt and his teammates looked “high schoolish” in the jackets in an interview that revisited the incident eight months later. Watt appears to have taken much less time to craft a response of his own.

“A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of a sheep. Time to attack the day,” Watt wrote on Twitter Wednesday morning."

First of all, I dont understand why JJ Watt turned this into a thing. You see a 20 year old 3rd string scrub QB take a selfie before a game, so you make a point to go after him with the sack dance? Then you talk shit about him post game? If you dont care about the opinions of sheep, why the fuck do you care so much about them taking selfies?

Second, why did Mettenberger take so long to reply? Did he spend whatever garbage contract money he had on a private detective to find dirt on Watt? It wouldn't surprise me at all, Mettenberger seems like one of those guys that has a rough time using a freaking search engine. Or maybe it took this long because he's so irrelevant. Who in the press is trying to interview Zach freaking Mettenberger.  

Third of all, why even reply to that comeback Watt. You went after him publicly, and when he gives you a garbage comeback, you subtweet him? Thats real fuckin lame man. JJ could get 50 million views by making a video doing literally anything. Do a high jump, 50 mil. Shake hands with an AIDs kid, 50 mil. Box squat a Corgi, 50 mil. But you cant go public for your reply?

Side note, I'm getting suuuuuper tired of JJ's Schtick. Barstool put it best after this stupid Zac Brown Band bullshit.

"HOLY SHIT! That was so close. That crazy guy who jumped on stage could have killed someone! I can’t believe Zac Brown Band stayed so calm, guess they knew JJ Watt was at the show and would come from the wings to perfectly tackle the guy. Phew, what a save that was, almost had a big time crisis.

Quick quetsion, is JJ Watt running his own PR at this point because this shit is BRUTAL. Yes I’m sure all the SC anchors will play this as the number 1 play on the Top Ten tonight and he’ll get his desired outcome, to make a “viral” video showing how funny and cool he is but come on, no one with a brain likes this shit right? I’m not the only one, I can’t be. Just get out of my face JJ, enough already, we get it, you’re the best most likeable most awesome guy in the world. Oh and you tackle guys at Zac Brown Band concerts while wearing a Cowboy hat, such a common folk hero! Be real once for us, whoever is telling you this stuff is totally sweet is wrong, it’s nauseating to any real normal person out there that uses more than 10% of their brain"

Petition Denied

While I do agree that Dave is child(At least in physical stature), I do not agree that this is cyber bullying. Showing Peyton in our backdrop does nothing but serve as a reminder that even the players some people perceive as the best, can actually be the worst. In this case, the worst as far as amount of playoff losses. 

So, Dave, your petition is denied existence, and you can return to the Quasimodo lair from whence you came. 

Petition For Name Change

I herby petition this blog for a name change.

It's not that I'm not fan of "Dave Sucks" but I think we are sending a negative message to the children. Cyber bullying has become a hot button topic as many children are now being bullied through electronic devices such as cell phones and computers. I don't think we want to portray the kind of attitude that says "Oh that kids favorite player just lost the Super Bowl? Let's go harass him emotionally and degrade his psychological well-being."

Statistics show that since most children and teens have access to technology and social media, about 1 in 4 teens are subject to some type of cyber bullying.

In addition to staying in touch with social issues within the online community, it is also important that we stay current and up to date with the sports world. Having a backdrop of Peyton Manning, perhaps the single greatest football player and overall American citizen ever, in the Super Bowl from 2 years ago shows that we may be a little behind in the happenings of American sports. How about a nice pic of LBJ trying to will his team to victory in the most recent NBA finals? Or maybe Rory McIlroy hoisting his most recent trophy overhead? Or even some Cricket World Cup photos, showing how Australia beat New Zealand by 7 whole wickets!

So I'll give you guys some time to think, and feel free to submit some other ideas in the meantime.

Hockey vs Basketball Round 2

I have a couple of issues with Adams argument.

1. LeBron James isn't the only basketball player in the NBA. Saying all NBA players are self centered/pussies based on one player is bananas. I could just as easily pull up a thousand Sidney Crosby memes and say "Oh all hockey players are pussies" Cherry picking works both ways.

2. Self centered? Say whatever you want about off the court crap. But, on the hardwood, the only teams that prosper are the ones who have the best cohesion. So yea, anyone can bitch about LeBron saying some stupid shit. But when he gets on the court and either scores/assists/off ball sets up 75% of his teams points, none of that matters. Side note, Basketball players are wayyyyy more philanthropic on a whole. But that's probably because they make more money...because more people watch basketball....because its better

3. I don't know of NHL players being globally renowned for being ultra-mature adults. They're mostly known for just beating the shit out of each other like cavemen.

4. The "bit" of running? The pace of basketball, especially now, is insane. Most starters play more than 35 minutes a game. The average distance ran by NBA starters is around 2.5 miles. thats 2.5 miles of stop and go sprinting. Essentially running suicides while trying to stay coordinated enought to score, play defense, set up plays etc.

5. Basketball isn't devoid of contact. The phrase "No free layups" is around for a reason. Players get clotheslined, tripped, elbowed, and shoved while going full sprint to a basket. Heres some prime examples of your boy LeBron.

Thats the shit he goes through pretty much on a daily basis, and hes barley missed a game. I'll freely admit that basketball isn't as physical as it used to be, and its not as physical as hockey. But if I wanted to watch a a sport solely for fighting and physicality, I'd go buy a Monster energy Tee shirt and start watching MMA.

6. Last and most important, anything the Canadians can do well, I wont put stock in. The USA is the best at everything that matters. So if Hockey cant get the international stranglehold we have on football, baseball, and basketball, I ain't interested. 

P.S. Adam was piss drunk when he wrote his article, so it probably wasn't worth replying. But I am VERY bored at work and have literally nothing else to do. 

Joey Chestnut loses his title

Being the best dog gobbler in the world isn't the greatest title, but it's something. But how embarrassing is it for that to be your only passion, and you aren't even the best?

"Hey Joey, what do you do for a living"

"Oh I'm the second best hot dog eater in the world"

*BOOP* snooze button.

Straight up embarrassing.

Guy in Texas gets killed by a gator

"A 28-year-old Texas man perished early on Friday morning after an alligator bit him in a bayou, reports CBS News. The man had been swimming in Burkart’s Marina in the southeast Texas town of Orange, near the border with Louisiana, around 2:30 a.m. on Friday. He was then attacked by a massive alligator shortly after jumping in, according to witness reports.

Two hours after the incident, the Texas game warden, sheriff’s deputies in tow, found his body not far from where he was attacked. The man has not yet been identified."

Ok right off the bat, who says "perished" anymore. You're not writing about how Baxter Muttonchops died defending the union from the treasonous south. Also, holy SHIT. Just put this incident on the ever growing list of reasons why nobody should live in Texas. You swim in Texas, get attacked by a massive gator. Than again, who in their right mind wants to swim in Texas anyway? I'm not sure if it roots from any particular incident, but I don't think Texas water has ever been fit for human contact. 

Relevant 

Irish guy doesnt like people looking at his "Over-large" foreskin

  This guy is not happy about his junk getting checked out. On the subject of foreskins, I am 100% grateful that my parents circumsized me. Everything about foreskins just seems like a huge hassle

GRANDPA GATES GETS 4 GAMES

Thatssss right you heard it. After every fan in the NFL had another reason to turn on the New York Jets DL Sheldon Richardson for smoking weed, one of the NFL's most known role models will be sitting on the couch right next to Richardson until October. Gates, who finished 2014 with 12 TDs , and Rivers, are known to have great chemistry throughout their careers but now that Gates is banned for a quarter of the season, what will Rivers do now? Probably cry. This suspension of Antonio "Grandpa"Gates will surely guarantee that the Chargers predicted 0-4 start will become reality. Couldn't just ride out the remainder of your career drug free huh? You make me sick.

Lol whoops wrong throttle

(CNN) — "'Wow, pulled back the wrong side throttle.'

These are the words of the captain of TransAsia Airways Flight GE235, eight seconds before the plane clipped a bridge and plunged into a Taiwanese river mere minutes after takeoff, killing 43 people on board.

The latest report by Taiwan's Aviation Safety Council into the February crash confirms that the captain of the ATR 72-600 turboprop aircraft mistakenly switched off the plane's working engine after the other lost power."

"L-O-L whoops, I pulled the wrong engine lever for my thousand ton flying death trap with hundreds of people on board! I'm so clumsy, I'd forget my own head if it wasn't attached" 

Like 100% the fuck no dude. Even in semi backwards ass asian countries, the pilots should have some sort of plan behind a major engine failure. And if they fuck up the lever pulling, I'd hope they'd say some smart shit like "code alpha Zulu I have a cascade engine error". Like if you're smart enough to be flying planes, your instant reaction to dooming yourself and all your passengers shouldn't be "wow, pulled the wrong lever"

Don't they teach some sort of backup plan in Asian pilot school?!? I hope they get the black box for those Malaysian flight(s(!!?!??)) to see what their captains last words were. "Oopsie daisy, pushed the 'dive bomb into the bog of no return' button instead of The button to fasten seat belts"

Aaaaaaand Sheldon Richardson gets suspended

Not even a little bit surprised. Things were going wayyyy too smooth for the jets this offseason. I actually wouldn't be surprised if Woody Johnson was injecting his lard ass with PED's while he was sleeping. Its literally impossible for this degenerate team to get through a single offseason without some highly publicized incident.

On the plus side, Leonard Williams is probably going to start at LE now. So we can see what he can do early, which will either be interesting, or it will ruin him completely.

Jack and Ryans fantasy battle halftime report

Ok so things arent looking great for me so far. Half my god damn team is on the DL or fresh out of the hospital bed, and ryan has all the best bats in the game. The only thing i can hang my hat on is that my pitchers outclass his like Harvard vs. SCCC.

However I'm also extremely lucky because the only reason I'm even in the running is because big Sexy put on a clinic vs the Cubs.

7 shutout innings and 8 K's vs a half decent hitting team. And the fat bastards miserable team actually gave him run support. How terrible must it be for all of the Mets great young pitching that this guy, who doesnt give a damn about his W/L ratio at this point in his career, is getting the support they can only dream of.

Anyway I have:

Cain(Fresh out the DL) vs Miami

Moore vs Tampa

Strasburg vs Atlanta.

I'm mildly confident in Strasburg, but the other two can eat a dick. I drafted Cain late and regretted even spending a late teens pick on him, and Moore is basically the JR smith of pitching.

On the plus side, Ryans pitchers are playeing SF and seattle, both of which will destroy Fernandez and Kazmir. But Garza(Or anyone) vs the phillies is a lock for like 25 points.

Hey Ryan, if you want pitching ill gladly think about a Joseph+Pitching combo for Posey 

England out of WWC on own goal and I dont know what to think

HAHAHAH ok one side of me is crazy happy that this happened because we all hate English soccer players. They're so pretentious and snobby and just all around douchebags in general. In fact, they would probably call me an "Caveman Yankee knobhead" or some shit just for saying "soccer" players. I'm not sure if that attitude translates to the womans team, but I'm just going to assume it does.

The other side of me is kind of disappointed, because can you imagine the potential Porgasm (patriotic orgasm) for that weekend? Go from celebrating Americas birthday Saturday, to beating our old oppressor on the biggest stage in their own sport on Sunday?  I would probably climb mount Rushmore, change into a hulk hogan outfit, and fuck a cheeseburger while blasting "Born in the USA"

P.S. can you imagine the hell that awaits the own goal girl back in England? Everyone's probably nice to her now, all hopped up on whatever politeness educing drugs the Canadians poison their air with. But i guarantee the queen herself is waiting in heathrow, tar and feathers at the ready.

P.S.S. I realize "Porgasm" sounds like "poor orgasm" but I'm sticking to my guns here.

Please, less Julie Foudy

   
Who the hell put this women on television? Sometimes it's like she doesn't even watch the sport, forget that she used to be a world cup caliber player. Her colleagues give meaningful insight, citing crisp passing, analyzing ball control and strategic substitutions, and all she has to say about the USWNT win against Germany last night is that they "pushed forward." Great insight there Jules.
    After the most rudimentary comments from Foudy, we fortunately have the pleasure of hearing Kristine Lilly or Kate Markgraft ACTUALLY describe the play by the women during the game. It was refreshing to hear analysis of referee calls, goalie play, and discussion of the play of certain players including Hope Solo and, our hero, Carli Lloyd.
    It also seemed like she supported the insertion of Morgan Brian back into the lineup after she possibly received a concussion. During times where we are seeing more and more concussion related health issues, it becomes increasingly important for past and present athletes to display support for protocol during concussion testing. Lets see how Brian recovers these next few days and hope she really didn't have a concussion.
     In the meantime, can we get Alex Morgan some more screen time?

The worst returning message ever

What the FUCK is this. A picture that looks like it belongs on a pre teen girls instagram accompanied with two paragraphs?! It shouldn't even 2 paragraphs! its like 7 god damn sentences! And they named him a senior editor! Just let rotoworld or twitter tell the world, why would you embarrass yourself with this garbage.

NBA Free Agency

Superstars:

 Kevin Love (CLE 5 year 110 million)

Lebron(Technically)

Dwayne Wade 

LaMarcus Aldridge 

Marc Gasol (MEM 5 years 108 million)

Brook Lopez (BKY 3 years 60 mil 3rd year player option)

Deandre Jordan 

Mid Level guys 

Greg Monroe 

Jimmy Butler (RFA) (CHI 5 year/95 million)

Kawhi Leonard (RFA) (SA 5 years 90 million)

Draymond Greed (RFA) (GSW 5 years 85 million)

Tristain Thompson (RFA) (CLE 5 years 90 million)

Khris Middleton (RFA) (MIL 5 years 90 million)

Brandon Knight (RFA) (PHX 5 year 70 million)

Goran Dragic (signed MIA 5year/90 mil 5th year player option) 

Paul Milsap 9 (ATL 3 year 59 million)

Monta Ellis 

Thad Young (BKY 4 years/ 50 mil)

Over the hill/Past Prime 

Tyson Chandler (PHX Unknown)

David West

Paul Pierce (LAC 3 years 10.5 million)

Rajon Rondo 

Glue guys

Omer Asik

Josh Smith (NO 5 year 58 million)

Jeremy Lin(a stretch, but a solid backup PG)

Robin Lopez 

Aaron Affallo (NYK 2 years 16 million)

Wes Matthews

If anyone else decides to contribute to the blog, we will discuss who should go where and why.